Author Archives: Evan H

About Evan H

https://eapache.github.io/

Other Opinions #56 – Our Elites Still Don’t Get It

The title is clickbait. The article however, is excellent.

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Worrying

On Sunday evening, I sat down and wrote a thousands words on this blog baring my soul, confessing my deepest secrets and revealing at least two deeply personal things that I’d never told anyone before. As you may deduce by the fact that you haven’t read it: I never hit “publish”. In hindsight, at least some of it was a tad melodramatic, a sin of which I am more than occasionally guilty. But the essence was right.

Now, of course, I’m sitting here two days later writing a very confusing meta-post about something that none of you have read, or likely ever will. You’re welcome. Really, as the title would suggest, I want to talk about worry, since I think it was the thread that underlies my unpublished post.

I worry a lot (this is a stunning revelation to anyone who knows me in real life, I’m sure).

There are of course a lot of posts on the internet already about dealing with worry. I don’t want to talk about that, even though I could probably do to read a few more of them myself. Instead, I want to ramble for a while about the way that worries change our behaviour to create or prevent the things we worry about. This is the weird predictive causal loop of the human brain, so it should be fun.

First off, some evolutionary psychology, because that always goes well. From a strictly adaptive perspective, we would expect that worry would help us avoid the things we worry about, and indeed the mechanism here is pretty obvious. When we worry, it makes us turn something over in our head, looking for solutions, exploring alternatives. Perhaps we stumble upon an option we hadn’t considered, or we realize some underlying cause that lets us avoid the worry-inducing problem altogether. The people who worry like this have some advantage over the ones who don’t.

But of course, nothing is ever perfectly adaptive. The easy one is the immediate mental cost of worrying; worrying about tigers is less than helpful if in doing so you distractedly walk off a cliff. The slightly more subtle concern is the fact that we don’t always worry about the right things. Every time we choose to worry about some future event we are inherently making a prediction, that the event is probable enough and harmful enough to be worth worrying over. But humans make crappy predictions all the time. It’s an easy guarantee that some of the things people worry about just aren’t worth the extra mental effort.

These mis-worries still affect our behaviour though. We turn scenarios over in our mind, however unlikely or harmless, and we come up with solutions. We make changes to our behaviour, to our worldview. We make choices which would otherwise be suboptimal. Sometimes, in doing so, we create more problems for us to worry about. These things are sometimes bad, but even they are not the worst of what worrying can do to us.

The most terrible worries are the meta-worries: worries about our own emotional state. If you start to worry that maybe you’re emotionally fragile, then you’ve suddenly just proved yourself right! The constant worry over your emotional fragility has made you fragile, and reinforced itself at the same time. These worries aren’t just maladaptive, they’re also positive feedback loops which can rapidly spiral out of control.

With all of these terrible things that can come from mis-worry, we can make bad, hand-wavy assumptions that historically at least, worry has been more adaptive than not, else we wouldn’t have it. But certainly in the modern age, there is a plausible argument that worry is doing us far more harm than good. Instead of worrying about tigers, and cliffs, and what we’re going to eat tomorrow, we worry about sports teams, taxes, and nuclear war with North Korea. (If you’re me, you worry about all of the above, tigers included, and you also worry about that girl you think is cute and you meta-worry about all your worries and then you worry over how to stop meta-worrying and then your head explodes).

For about three years now I’ve been actively fighting my mis-worries (aka my anxieties) kind of one at a time, as I realized they were hurting me. This has involved regular visits to a therapist during some periods, and has been a generally successful endeavour. Despite this, I am not where I want to be, and in some respects my meta-anxieties have actually grown. So in the grand tradition of doing bad science to yourself in order to avoid ethics boards, I am going to do an experiment. The details are secret. Let’s see how it goes.

Classifying Disagreements

Like anything else, disagreements and arguments can be broken down into their atomic components. There are three elements in the periodic table of disagreements.

Disagreements over Facts: The sky is blue. The sky is not blue.

Disagreements over Values: Freedom is more important than happiness. Happiness is more important than freedom.

Disagreements over Language: If a tree falls in the forest, it makes a sound. If a tree falls in the forest, it does not make a sound.

Charging the Self-Trust Battery

In my post last month on Authentic Service and Self-Improvement, one of the aspects of the model I presented was security. This is what I had to say:

It is not enough just to know yourself, know your beliefs, and live authentically. To be secure in yourself is also to know why, to have trust in yourself. When you understand not just who you are but why, then you can stand firm against the people who will try to change you, and instead change when you think it is right for you.

Over the past month, as I have attempted to live out this philosophy, I have found this part… difficult. It feels, on a normal day, like I am secure; I rest my self-image on firm foundations, and approach the world with confidence. But this security is an illusion. It is easy for something seemingly trivial to upend this confidence and leave me insecure, unsure, and alone.

At the company where I work, we use the metaphor of a trust battery for dealing with other people, but it works just as well when applied to the self. Unsurprisingly, my trust battery with myself is very low. I still get through life just fine most of the time because I can draw power from external sources: praise and affirmation from other people, my position at my workplace, my possessions. But when these are stripped away, or even merely threatened, I have no personal trust battery to fall back on, and I become lost.

For a lot of people, their self-trust is anchored in a permanent, intimate relationship of some kind, either with a god or with another human being. These relationships, while technically external, provide a base of unconditional acceptance that allows an actual self-trust battery to grow. They act both as anchor and as safety net. It’s nice work if you can get it, but it’s not for everyone.

If you are single, and an atheist, then you have no such relationship to rely on. Without a base of unconditional acceptance, you may try to charge your trust battery on conditional social acceptance, but you can’t actually do that. As long as the juice is flowing you feel fine, but one misstep and your acceptance is revoked. It’s only when the energy stops that you realize your battery is still nearly empty. This is obviously fragile, but also severely limiting: it is the people who feel comfortable defying convention once in a while who are able to change the world. When your power comes from conditional acceptance, you quickly learn a Pavlovian fear response to not fitting in, and it becomes even harder to deviate.

Charging a self-trust battery ex nihilo is hard. It requires discipline, so that you can trust your behaviour, and brutal self-honesty, so that you can trust your mind. It requires a deep commitment to values over emotions, and most importantly it requires a core belief that charging the battery is important. That the strange and beautiful kind of zen which results from a full battery is a state worth achieving. That before you can trust the universe, you must first trust yourself.

Even with all of these things, it’s still easy to fall into the trap of running on conditional acceptance. It’s right there, the quick win, the shortcut, the bad habit. If charging your battery is hard, then remembering that it needs charging is harder. But if you don’t then one of these days a storm will isolate you, and you’ll be left without power at all.

We all have to weather the occasional storm. Do it with the lights on.

Other Opinions #54 – The Problem With ‘Privilege’

http://www.realcleareducation.com/articles/2017/08/28/the_problem_with_privilege_110195.html

Disclaimer: I don’t necessarily agree with or endorse everything that I link to. I link to things that are interesting and/or thought-provoking. Caveat lector.

I agree with more of this one than I thought I might, given the title. Worth reading for liberals and conservatives alike.

Power is a very messy abstraction.